we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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