Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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