my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
