Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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