sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
