All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
