I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
