so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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