I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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