We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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