I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
