I wish I only lived at night.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
