I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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