my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
