we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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