I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
