actually, I'm a sock model
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
