I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
