I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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