They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
