Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm like, not good at living.
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