He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
