I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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