dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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