I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
