I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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