This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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