were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My bed smells like the plague
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