I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
