I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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