I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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