Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
