I have demons in me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
