You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
