im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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