She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
