I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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