Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
