tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
