not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
