He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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