is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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