i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i love accidental penises.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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