stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
