i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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