Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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