His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
