Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
