you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
