headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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