dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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