I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
