So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
not ubering you a puppy
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
